Welcome to Wednesday

Me: Hang on, I recognise that noise. But why is it so much louder?
Cats: miaow!
Me: You know, I set my alarm. It usually works. I don't need all of this encouragement to get out of bed.
Cats: Lookee! New toy!
Me: [opens bedroom window, steps back to let the bird fly out at high speed]  When I said on Monday that birds live outside, I wasn't just talking about the sparrows. All birds live outside, including blackbirds.
Cats: ...
Me: [changes sheets that blackbird crapped on, feeling grateful it didn't crap on me]

*sigh*

Violence is encouraged

Apparently it's going to be set out in law, clearly and in single syllables, that I'm allowed to stab a burglar in my house. It counts as self-defence. Which is lovely, 'n' all, violence is *so* the answer to everything from someone parking in your driveway to stealing your roses, but there's no guidance on where I should store my knives. At the moment they're in the kitchen, which is about as far from my bedroom as they can get. And if said burglar comes in while I'm asleep, that's no good, is it? If he comes in when I'm staring into the fridge, musing on what to cook for dinner, I'm sorted. How likely is that to happen?

Also, I have no training. Where should I stab? Which is the best knife - large or small, carving or butter? Should I have a pre-defined level of heinousness for the crime? If he's taking the telly do I go for the thigh, but have a crack at a kidney if he's after my chocolate stash? Could I ask him to hold still while I boot up the laptop and google me some anatomy lessons, or is that considered uncouth? If I can't reach a knife, what will be a suitable replacement? Will the insurance charge me a premium excess on a claim if I don't at least have a go with a pencil or a tuning fork?

It's always the logistics that get in the way of these otherwise excellent ideas.